What Wolf
by Random Guise
Summary: Variations on a theme from a scene in the 1981 movie "An American Werewolf in London". First of two postings for Halloween week. I don't own these characters, but at least I've seen the movie now. Nurse! Second post will be when I see you next Wednesday.


**A/N: Variations on a theme from the movie "An American Werewolf in London" (1981), taking place when the undead Jack first visits David while he is recuperating in a London hospital.**

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What Wolf

"Debbie Klein cried a lot" Jack Goodman's undead image said as he continued to eat David Kessler's toast, bringing David up to date on the funeral of which he was the guest of honor. David had survived the attack that night, but his friend Jack had perished in an abrupt end to their traveling vacation.

"I can't stand this" David said, in shock over seeing the bloody and ripped _thing_ that used to be his buddy Jack.

"So you know what she does?" Jack went on, not waiting for a reply. "She's so grief stricken she runs to find solace in Rudy Levine's bed. Life mocks me even in death." He might have been dead, but Jack still looked disgusted at the behavior of Debbie.

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb. His dead friend was talking to him, and all he wanted to talk about was who slept with whom?

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a lycanthrope - a werewolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted. The last of the bloodline must be ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that werewolf unless you end your life. Do it before you start killing. Beware the full moon; you have two days" Jack warned.

"NURSE!" David yelled.

...

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb.

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a geolycanthrope - a wherewolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the wherewolf's curse is lifted. You will be forever stumbling around lost until the last of the bloodline is ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that wherewolf - endlessly asking people directions unless you end your life."

"Me suicide? I'm fine."

"Beware the full moon; you have two days and then you won't know where you are."

"Lost? I mean, I'm in a city I've never been in before but..."

"No, completely lost. You won't know North from South, left from right, and you'll forget any directions people will give you. You won't even know which way is home because...you won't have any!"

"You're scaring me, Jack."

"Good. If this shredded face I have won't do it, maybe that will chill you. The full moon will come, you'll change into the wherewolf and leave where you are and never find your way around again. Suicide - end this madness - and we'll both be at peace. You never could fold a map, you know."

'NURSE!"

...

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb.

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a merchlycanthrope - a warewolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the warewolf's curse is lifted. You will be forever quoting prices and shipping times until the last of the bloodline is ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that warewolf selling stuff to people who don't need anything - unless you end your life before the next full moon in two days."

"I...I couldn't do that. How bad can it be?"

"How bad can it be? Imagine your whole house plastered with sales charts, territory maps, shipping schedules and worst of all - you won't be able to move around because you'll be surrounded by product samples."

David started to shudder. "Then I'll lock myself into a hotel, or a closet or something. Maybe I'll be able to find a steamer trunk."

"In two days the full moon comes and you won't have any control no matter where you are. You'll be making promises you can't keep for products that will never arrive _because they've never been made_."

"You're scaring me, Jack."

"Damn right I am. If you think walking the Earth until the bloodline ends is bad, just wait until the first time you utter the words 'I have a special deal only for you' to someone. Do everyone a favor and suicide now before you start signing contracts."

"NURSE!"

...

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb.

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a fashlycanthrope - a wearwolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the wearwolf's curse is lifted. You will be forever trying to match outfits and coming up with striking apparel until the last of the bloodline is ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that wearwolf unless you end your life in the next two days before the full moon."

"What's the problem? I could stand getting some new clothes."

"No, you don't understand. When the moon is full clothes will become your life and your home will become one big closet as you try unsuccessfully to come up with the perfect fashion statement, only to find that trends change and fads pass away. Nothing stays in fashion, David."

"No...no...no..."

"You'll haunt yard sales looking for retro, kid's parties looking for new trends, and forever trying to match plaid with stripes. Save us all and end your life now before the moon becomes full, David. I hope you like polyester."

"NURSE!"

...

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb.

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a icthilycanthrope - a weirwolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the weirwolf's curse is lifted. You will be forever struggling to build enclosures on streams and rivers, trying to catch fish until the last of the bloodline is ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that weirwolf unless you end your life before the next full moon in two days."

"I like fishing..."

"Without opposable thumbs you won't be able to use a rod and reel or bait a hook - only crude catch fences to catch your prey."

"That's not fishing...stop trying to scare me, Jack. I'll just...move to the desert."

"The Department of Fish and Game will have wanted posters of you in all their offices; you'll be hunted and tracked every full moon. You won't be able to stop yourself from heading to waterways around the world. They don't sell fishing licenses to wolves, David."

"No...no..."

"Endangered species everywhere won't be safe, I'm telling you. Do us all a favor and kill yourself before the next full moon. You've got two days before splash splash."

"NURSE!"

...

"I'm going completely crazy" David said, still numb.

"David, I know this may be hard for you but I have to warn you." Jack went on until he summarized the events. "On the moors we were attacked by a greglycanthrope - a we'rewolf."

"Shut up!"

"I was murdered; an unnatural death, and now I walk the Earth in limbo until the we'rewolf's curse is lifted. You will be forever turning the entire population into one large pack until the last of the bloodline is ended. That's you, David, and you'll become that we'rewolf unless you end your life. You'll never be able to go see a movie like 'See You Next Wednesday' again unless you can find room for sixty seats."

"You're trying to scare me, Jack. Wait...that doesn't make any sense. First of all, we'rewolf doesn't even sound like 'werewolf'. And secondly, shouldn't it be 'we'rewolves'? It's plural. I mean, why not call it a whatwolf or a whenwolf or something else dumb."

"Oh, you're right - now that I stop to think about it. Huh. When they told me I just accepted it as the truth; you know I was never any good at grammar. Maybe you're not cursed at all. Maybe it's all just a hoax and you'll be fine the rest of your life. I'll just stay and finish off your breakfast for you while you go on to live a happy life. Maybe" Jack said, lowering his voice "I'm just cursed for another reason. Maybe" he lowered his voice further "it has nothing to do with you at all. I bet it was" he said whispering now so much so that David had to lean forward to hear him "something I did as a child." David was now straining to stretch forward enough to hear the almost inaudible Jack "Maybe I was cruel to an animal. Or maybe..." he paused before yelling "I'M TELLING THE TRUTH AND YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS!"

David recoiled back against his pillow, shaking from fright. "NURSE!"

The End

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**A/N: I only got around to seeing this movie last year; horror is not my favorite genre. But because it has humor and good effects too, I finally bit the (non-silver) bullet and watched it. I had spelled 'werewolf' wrong in an earlier story and it started me thinking of the misspelling, which led to this. Don't hurt yourself trying to pronounce the alternate versions of 'lycanthrope' I used to match the curse...**


End file.
